In the good old days, the first motorized vehicle alerts were a simple air horn, consisting of a rubber ball activating a high pitched reed whence some amplification was engendered by means of a conical tube, ending in a flared bell.

Squeezing that rubber ball rendered a polite ¡°toot¡± alerting people to traffic dangers.

Over-tooting was self punishing by severe muscle pain in any or all of the offenders¡¯ digits.

The good old days indeed.

Having returned from relatively tranquil, polite and patient New Zealand, where horns are tooted only in dire emergency situations, arriving in Shanghai was a rude shock.

It seems that the very first thing lorry drivers, bus companies and taxis do upon purchasing a new conveyance is to remove the standard horn and refit it with what seems like the most powerful 160 decibel ship¡¯s fog horn available, being one that would put the best equipped riverboat to shame.

I have been observing the driving habits of Shanghai bus drivers and taxis and the name of the game in 95 per cent of the cases I observed seems to be:

1) Take off at near supersonic speeds as soon as the traffic lights change from red to orange.

2) Blast any pedestrian, crossing car or bicycle that had not quite cleared the intersection out of the way. Or, very often too, blast the horn anyway long and annoyingly, much longer than might ever be necessary, even in the most dire of emergencies and even when there is no one to toot at.

3) Then the race starts: Many Shanghai motorists appear to see a need to reach a speed of at least 100km/h in

4.6 seconds in a race to reach the next traffic lights, which often are less than 500 metres apart. Apply the brakes at full force and screech to a halt. Wildly tooting along the entire stretch at anything that moves or is stationary.

It is one thing for hapless pedestrians to have their eardrums repeatedly pierced by mindless drivers when attempting to navigate Shanghai¡¯s bicycle and motorcycle infested sidewalks but it is no joke to actually live on or near a main road, as many Shanghainese and yours truly do!

Expensive apartments along my stretch of road are now rented out to expats, who usually do not stay long, despite the addition of extra double glazed windows to reduce the tooting nuisance, especially at night.

One would have thought that common decency and common sense would have drivers switch after dark from audible alerts to the flashing of headlights as is common in most civilized countries.

No way.

The Shanghai driver sees it as his (or, increasing, her) right to blast the horn for as long as they deem fit, which is often as long as a minute or more, when they feel they are in any way inconvenienced, regardless the time of the day or night.

Most taxis like to speed at night from job to job at nigh supersonic speeds along deserted city streets, applying the horn loud and long starting a generous 100 metres before an intersection, ignoring the large ¡°No horning¡± signs that adorn many Shanghai intersections.

This state of affairs does not make for enjoyable living conditions. It makes life in Shanghai a hell or worse.

As for solutions, I offer the following:

1) Forbidding the presence of any horn on any car, bus, taxi or lorry with a sound output exceeding 40 decibels.

2) A public campaign, advertising that horn tooting, littering, spitting, bicycle riding on the wrong side, jaywalking and using public shrubbery as a public toilet is done by uncivilized people only.

3) It is to be expected that this half year campaign will have zero effect but, at least, the warning has been given.

4) A one-month campaign stating that any of the above civil disobedience offences will be fined 50 yuan (US$6) for the first time, doubling for every subsequent crime while motorists will also chalk up demerit points, ultimately leading to a loss of driving entitlement for six months. Ditto for bicycles.

5) Traffic police and traffic assistants will be empowered to mete out fines and a brigade of roving digital camera equipped ¡°civil obedience officers¡± will be stationed at changing locations and riding on buses and taxis to fine errant drivers on the spot.

Using a sledgehammer to crack a nut?

Maybe, but I feel that the living conditions in Shanghai have deteriorated to such an extent that drastic action must be taken before many people including me will finish up in a lunatic asylum.