A MAN killed the mother of his fiancee in the countryside of Central China's Hebei Province a few months ago because he couldn't get hold of the 50,000 yuan (US$6,000) the mother demanded as a betrothal gift.

The fatal betrothal demand of 50,000 yuan was the equivalent of the total annual income of 25 villagers, according to local officials. But the amount, though much higher than local common practice, should not be too surprising.

A wedding can cost about that amount of money. Many people who can't afford such sums have to remain single. The 22-year-old killer of his prospective mother-in-law, Hao Yongshan, felt desperate pressure over the marriage, because otherwise he faced the same fate as his elder brother who was still single in his thirties.

This is just an extreme case involving betrothal gifts. Disputes on this issue happen frequently all over the country. The most common problem is: can the man get the money back if the couple break up instead of getting married?

'Leaving-mother-meat'

The custom of giving a betrothal gift to the future bride's family has existed for thousands of years. The earliest record of it can be found in the "Book of Rites". The ancient book lists six parts of the marriage ceremony, from the proposal to the wedding, of which the betrothal gift giving was the fourth. Gifts in ancient times consisted of jewellery and fine silk.

The specific items making up a betrothal gift have changed with time and place. In some parts of North China, a wooden box with three layers should be presented to the bride's parents. The lowest layer contains rice or wheat flour, the second layer has clothes and jewellery, and on the top layer are items with auspicious meanings such as dates and walnuts, together with the formal letter of engagement.

In eastern provinces such as Fujian and Taiwan, the gift is often tea. Unlike most parts of China, the future bride would serve tea to the visitors including the matchmaker, the future bridegroom and his relatives.

The two young people could take the opportunity to have a careful look at their future life partners, which was not allowed in many other parts of the country.

A very special gift is pork, an indispensable ingredient of the betrothal gift among peoples of the middle and lower reaches of the Yellow River. Pork, either ribs or hind legs had to be sent to the bride's parents. A large piece, weighing between 15 to 20 kilograms, was expected.

In some regions, the number of pieces depended on the bride's family members. Her grandparents, her uncles and aunts, should each be given one piece per family. Six ribs, or a complete hind leg were often given. The leg symbolized the two families being linked by marriage should be close and visit each other frequently.

Such pork gifts were called "leaving-mother-meat". The origin is said to be related to a widow marrying-off her only daughter.

When the daughter was to leave by the sedan chair, the mother lamented over her lonely life to come and could not stop crying. The wedding was endangered, until one of the guests went to get a piece of pork to her, saying, "I understand your daughter is like a piece of flesh close to your heart, but girls have to be married and leave you. Take this piece instead and you won't feel such pain in your heart."

Loss compensation

In Chinese tradition, marrying a daughter is like losing her to another family. She would bear their name, give birth to their children and serve her husband's parents. This feeling of loss in the bride's family seems to justify their demand for a substantial betrothal gift. In such cases, the bride's parents' wishes are often highly respected by the other family.

Popular betrothal gifts change over time. But the basic mentality is that, the bridegroom should prepare a comfortable life for the bride - a house to live in, and a lot more. It used to be a wrist watch, a sewing machine, a bicycle and a radio. Then it became electronic products such as television sets, a video-audio system, a washing machine and a fridge.

The latest trend of betrothal gifts in some small towns as well as in the countryside of China includes at least three pieces of gold jewellery and a motorbike. The latter has become a major source of air pollution in these places.

The bride's family has to prepare a dowry too, which mainly consists of goods to be used in the young couple's married life. Quilts with fine embroidered silk covers used to be important items. The bride's mother would hide toys or pictures that illustrate sexual conduct in the bottom of the dowry trunk, teaching the girl ways to please her husband.

The original meaning of the betrothal gift was to signify the seriousness of the engagement. It functioned as a warranty. In the Chinese classic novel, "Dream of Red Mansions", You Sanjie fell in love with Liu Xianglian and asked her brother-in-law, Jia Lian, to make the match for her. He successfully obtained a pair of swords from Liu.

When Liu heard rumours about the girl's bad reputation, he asked to get his swords back and call off the engagement, to which Jia answered, "An engagement is an engagement. The gift was given to avoid pulling back. How can a marriage engagement be made and broken casually?"

Engagement doesn't have legal protection in modern China. Usually, if a woman wants to end the relationship, she returns the gift willingly. But if a man wants to break off an engagement and get his money and expensive gifts back, the woman might not comply. A legal case may be needed.

The victim in the Hao Yongshan case was not just greedy. The woman had another child beside Hao's fiancee. This second child, a son, is deaf and dumb, and without a particularly generous betrothal gift he has little chance of winning a wife.